Thursday, December 23, 2010

Scottish Football Blog Awards 2010 - Part One

Time for the 2010 Scottish Football Blog Awards. A meandering look back at the year Spain finally delivered on the global stage, Lennon gave peace a chance at Celtic and Scotland managed not to draw with Liechtenstein.

The Charles Foster Kane Money Can't Buy You Happiness Award: England's footballers. A miserable, morose, monosyllabic group of millionaires at the best of times. Further suffering was heaped on the men who power the world's best league when the World Cup delivered fairly damning evidence that they're just not that good at football.

The Cameron-Clegg Coalition Building Award: Jim Jefferies loves Hearts. But it's a tough, taciturn kind of love. How would Jambo Jim fae Wallyford be able to cope with the idiosyncratic reign of Tynecastle's ruling Romanov dynasty? Pretty well as it turns out. So far.

The Peter Mandelson Spinning A Dead Horse Award: John Hughes was keen to point out that "football people" could see what he was building at Easter Road. They could. So could rugby people and cricket people. He was building a team without a defence, who couldn't win at home and were heading for relegation. Don't call Yogi if you're wanting an extension on the house.

The Julian Assange Electronic Communications Award: Hugh Dallas. The button is delete, Hugh. Not forward.

The JFK Memorial Conspiracy Theory Award: Celtic fans. Apparently the working title of Oliver Stone's next film is "SFA: The Celtic Files."

The Tommy Sheridan Tabloid Titillation Award: Allan McGregor. A clean sheet king on the pitch, off the pitch…no, I'm not going there.

The Geoffrey Howe Award For Being Savaged By A Dead Sheep: The SFA. Henry McLeish has spent much of his political career being not fit for purpose. If even he can seen how woefully inept you are then it is time to make a change.

The Oliver Twist Award: Lovable urchin Wayne Rooney asked for more. Sadly, he got it.

The Arthur Scargill Award For Services To Industrial Relations: The referees had a point but their strike was pretty pointless.

The George Orwell Doublespeak Award: Craig Brown loves Motherwell. Craig Brown loves Aberdeen. Craig Brown's gone down in a lot of people's estimation.

The Prince William and Kate Middleton Romance Of The Year Award: It's not clear if Henry McLeish and the SPL Working Strategy Group took each other up a mountain in Kenya. But it seems they had a chat or two on SPL reconstruction during the post-coital cigarettes. In this particular love triangle it is Scottish football that should be filing for divorce.

The Davey Crockett Backs To The Wall In Ultimately Futile Defence Award: Craig Levein. 4-6-0 against the Czech Republic. And one of the most depressing nights in the history of the national team. And that's a tough list to get on.

The Gordon Brown Why Did I Say That Award: Dougie McDonald. Who still can't accept that lying is wrong. It's not like telling children that Santa is real, Dougie. It's not like that at all.

The Pick Your Fights Like The Klitschko Brothers Award: Neil Lennon. Charging up touch lines like an aggressive drunk on Sauchiehall Street. Not actually doing his team any good though.

The Careful What You Wish For Award: Aberdeen fans. The two Jimmys don't look quite as bad when you're staring up from the bottom of the league. Jimmy Tarbuck probably doesn't look quite as bad when you're 9-0 down at Celtic.

The Vince Cable Why Did I Take This Job Award: Stewart Regan. Will never again moan about how boring cricket is.

The Ann Widdecombe Award For Unlikely Political Reinventions: John Reid. A lying bully wages war on lying bullies. Although I suppose he is used to waging ill defined wars.

The Denis Law What The Hell Is That Accent All About Award: Colin Calderwood. Sounds like he was born and raised on a train shuttling back and forth between Scotland and England.

The Nobel Peace Laureate Barack Obama Jumping The Gun Award: I've got nothing against David Beckham. I have got a problem with a broadcaster giving a man in his mid-30s a lifetime achievement award as a way of grabbing viewers.

The Eyjafjallajoekull European Misery Award: Hibs, Motherwell, Dundee United and Celtic left our co-efficient battered like a Scottish Mars bar.

The Derek Trotter Award for Salesmanship: Sir David Murray. How long before he's trying to sell Ibrox from the back of a van at the Barras.

The James Corden Award for Annoying Buffoonery: George Peat. What is the point of you, George? What is the point? Still the joke's on us after all that clowning around with the dinosaur yesterday. TOTAL TOSSER.

The Adrian Chiles Grass Isn't Always Greener Award: Kris Boyd. Loving it at the Riverside.

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